S/a/O WORLD EXCLUSIVE!

LINUS THE CAT HAS DANDRUFF, EAR SPOTS

xxx world exclusive xxx

Well-known internet celebrity Linus the cat has unseemly hygiene issues, the Tired Parody of Itself Report can reveal. “You can only tell from close up, but he is not the cleanest of cats,” a top source says. “He’s got dandruff, and he’s always covered with dust from crawling around in things. And I think he’s getting more white hair!”

Another top source claims that rumors of “fur eating” and “shower curtain licking,” while unconfirmed, are “almost certainly true.”

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